Sharing The Load: How to Handle Sibling Conflict Over Care of Elderly Parent

Caregiving isn’t just about taking care of an aging parent. It’s also about navigating family dynamics which often involve sibling conflict over care of elderly parent. If you’re carrying most (or all) of the responsibility while your siblings take a backseat, resentment is bound to build.

You shouldn’t have to do this alone. But how do you get siblings to help with caregiving when they’re reluctant, absent, or even outright resistant? Family conflicts cut the deepest because those bonds exist—whether we like it or not.

According to Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, Ph.D, our siblings hurts us the most because the bond we have with them that involves:

• Deep emotional ties and shared history
• Cultural beliefs that our family members will be there for us unconditionally
• Unfiltered Honesty
• Family Roles & Expectations
• Expectations on being our lifelong allies

Siblings are part of our lives no matter if we want them there or not. They give us a sense of belonging as being part of the family. That’s why when conflicts arise when caregiving for parents, the stakes of getting hurt are higher. 

How to Handle Sibling Conflict Over Care of Elderly Parent

Every family is different. If your siblings can be reached and can handle a conversation without hostility, some resolutions might work. Here’s how to manage family conflict in caregiving and make sure the load is shared more fairly.

#1: Identify the Root of the Conflict

Caregiving is a huge undertaking in all aspects. It amplifies whatever is already present in the family dynamic, whether it’s camaraderie or unresolved tensions. Sibling disagreements over caregiving often boil down to three main issues:

• Unequal Responsibilities: One sibling (usually the one who lives closest) does most of the work, while others assume they’re “off the hook.”
• Different Perceptions: Some siblings downplay a parent’s condition, believing extra care isn’t necessary.
• Old Family Tensions: Unresolved childhood rivalries, favoritism, or past grudges resurface, making cooperation difficult.

Understanding why your siblings aren’t stepping up will help you approach the conversation strategically instead of letting emotions take over. While it’s hard to be empathic in a very tight situation, it’s a fair trade if your siblings share your load. 

#2: Have a Direct (but Strategic) Conversation

Probably one of the hardest things to do in sibling conflict over care of elderly parent is to face your siblings and talk. However, instead of waiting for frustration to explode, setting up a clear and structured discussion can resolve a lot of potential problems along the way. Here are some crucial conditions to consider:

• Choose the Right Time: A planned conversation (not a heated argument) increases the chances of productive outcomes. Make sure you’re having the conversation where you are already rested, eaten and ready for the conversation. 
• Use “I” Statements: Avoid blaming language. Instead of “You never help,” say “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need support.”. The objective of the conversation is to get them to cooperate and share the load , not to realize who did what. 
• Present Facts, Not Feelings: Try to be as less emotional as possible to get things across. Show medical updates, financial breakdowns, or caregiving schedules to help siblings understand the workload objectively.

#3: Assign Roles Based on Strengths

One of the things that you have to keep in mind is that not everyone can do things like you. Not everyone can provide hands-on care, but that doesn’t mean they can’t contribute. Give siblings specific roles that align with their skills and availability:

• The Organizer: The one who manages doctor appointments, paperwork, or finances.
• The Errand Runner: The one who handles grocery shopping, medication pick-ups, or home maintenance.
• The Emotional Supporter: The sibling who regularly calls or visits your parents to provide companionship.
• The Backup Caregiver: The one who’s expected to step in for respite care so the primary caregiver can take breaks.

By giving siblings clear responsibilities instead of a vague “help me,” you increase the chances of cooperation. Sometimes, they may react like they can’t help but letting them options on where they can fill in will help them think of their options. Give them time to reevaluate and check how they’ll make it work. 

#4: Set Boundaries and Enforce Accountability

In times where siblings chicken out, it’s time to enforce some firm notice. If certain siblings continue to avoid responsibility or ignore your attempts to communicate, it’s time to set firm boundaries.

• Be Clear About Limits: Let them know what you can’t continue to do alone. Example: “I can’t handle 24/7 care on my own. We need to split overnight shifts.”
• Put Agreements in Writing: In toxic family dynamics, it pays to document everything. If necessary, create a caregiver contract outlining who is responsible for what.
• Accept That Some Siblings Won’t Step Up: If a sibling refuses to help, focus your energy on solutions. While it’s tempting to spend your time hating them for their lack of responsibility, it won’t be helpful to dwell on it while struggling with the caregiving role. This is choosing your battles which may mean seeking outside support through home health care services.

#5: Bring in a Mediator if Needed

When sibling conflicts over care of elderly parents escalate and conversations lead nowhere, a neutral third party can help. Oftentimes, unresolved tensions and traumas resurfaces in situations like this. As a sibling, you can’t fix years of family tension and tackle caregiving logistics in one conversation.

If there’s a time constraint to iron out things with the caregiving, you may consider the following:

• A Family Therapist: A mental health professional can help resolve deep-seated tensions and emotional barriers.
• A Geriatric Care Manager: A medically-inclined authority can offer professional caregiving advice and create a fair care plan that can work for each sibling.
• A Financial or Legal Advisor: A legal authority can also enforce legality that can help you address disputes over finances, wills, or decision-making authority.

Understanding Family Conflict in Caregiving Beyond Sibling Rivalry

When more people are involved, the noise within the family becomes louder around the topics of family caregiving. While sibling conflicts are common, other family members, such as spouses, children, or extended relatives, may also contribute to disputes. Here’s how broader family dynamics impact caregiving:

• Conflicting Illness Perceptions: Differing beliefs about the severity of an illness or its required care can lead to misunderstandings.
• Lack of Communication and Transparency: Family members may feel excluded from decision-making or uninformed about the care recipient’s condition.
• Emotional Stress and Burnout: Fear, anxiety, and grief often intensify conflicts, particularly in high-stress caregiving situations such as brain injuries or dementia care.

Additional Conflict Management Strategies

If you’re still looking for best practices or options that you can leverage, you may consider the following:

• Regular Family Meetings: Keep all members looped in and involved.
• Leverage Professional Support: Engage elder mediators, care managers or respite care when disputes become unmanageable or no one really steps up on the plate. 
• Prioritize the Well-Being of the Care Recipient: Keep discussions centered on what is best for the loved one rather than personal grievances.

The Real Toll of Caregiving Conflicts

Caregiving is already hard emotionally, physically and financially. Add family drama into the scene and it can break even the strongest family caregivers. When families don’t work together, the stress of caregiving increases exponentially. The negative effects of such conflicts to everyone involved include:

• Caregiver Burnout: The primary caregiver experiences exhaustion and declining well-being.
• Strained Relationships: Family bonds weaken, leading to long-term resentment.
• Compromised Care Quality: A lack of cooperation results in inconsistent care for the loved one.

When Family Bails Out, Essential Wellness Comes In

Caregiving is tough enough without family conflict. While you can’t force your siblings (or other family members) to help, you can set boundaries, delegate tasks, and seek outside support when necessary. You deserve help, and it’s okay to demand it.

If you have no siblings or proximity to your siblings is a huge problem, respite care might be the best option. Essential Wellness offers respite and other home health solutions based on your needs. Get your FREE consultation to get in some extra hands and help you bounce back.